Hey Kenpachi.
Serena jumped off the boulder and started off for Fian at full stride, “I didn't realize you were such a crybaby-”
Sevil jumped off the boulder and ran after Serena, “I am sorry! I'll do anything.”
It's rather sudden. There isn't really enough time for Sevil to reflect on her errors to actually make the dialogue convincing.
Serena brushed black her brown hair and clasped her hands together in front of her stomach, “Since you won't come with me, I want you to promise...”
Why mention her brown hair again?
The night Serena left was sudden and unannounced, she was determined to make it on her own wherever she went. Following the wind and her heart, but leaving the smallest part behind with me. Back then, the two of us shared a small home, which was unorthodox given the custom, but the two of us were not exactly normal children. We lived together for eight years after the elders approval, on special conditions that even I could not understand. Serena had taught me, but it was many years after her leave before I became fluent in the language, which I relished over English.
This reads a bit like an info dump...and I couldn't really care about about her back story seems it isn't really relevant with the current situation in the plot.
The full moon was rising slowly into the sky outside of the window as the silhouette of Serena crossed in front of it. She swayed back and forth, peering out the window, the light of the moon flickering on my face with each rock of her head, stirring me from sleep. The pale light faintly shone upon her back and hair, casting her outline against the darkness of the room.
Why a full moon when she leaves? Cliche much? I don't really get what is so mystical about a full moon in the night when a person leaves...since I've seen it been done heaps.
The little angel that had lead me astray and then saved my life was Sage Serena. A girl with a fiery spirit and a love of adventure, disillusioned with the world. It was one giant dream come true for her, it was my skepticism and fear prevented me from following her.
This is telling...you won't need to have all this information up if you had shown us Sage Serena's character through action, dialogue, costume, thought and emotions and setting.
Sevil shook his head and looked away from Serena's piercing stare, arms on her hips, leaning into him, “If I recall correctly that didn't stop you last time.”
Piercing stare's a cliche too.
“Fine! When you come for me, you won't find me. Even a single day is too late. You left me all alone for a year, in the mountains. I waited so long for you...”
Why even wait then?
Serena jumped off the boulder and started off for Fian at full stride, “I didn't realize you were such a crybaby-”
Sevil jumped off the boulder and ran after Serena, “I am sorry! I'll do anything.”
Repetition of "jump".
I've had enough for one lifetime, in fact...a dozen lifetimes.”
This needs more elaboration. I'm interested as to what it means.
Overall impressions:
This is rather rough and bare. The major issues that I had with this was info dumping, descriptions.
A lot of information about the characters is dumped onto the reader, and quite frankly, I doesn't really allow the reader to care. Presenting so much information at one time is rather boring to read since the reader doesn't have the time to fully comprehend the characters and plot. The way that it was written was rather bare too. It is written in quite a simple and doesn't make much use of the higher level writing techniques. Worse is that certain aspects of character and plot are not elaborated on and exist only as statements.
The description focused mostly on the body, nothing else. I didn't really had a sense of the setting, it was only focused on how characters moved and their body limbs. I really want more environmental descriptions, more sensory imagery etc etc. It is boring if you keep mentioning the same types of descriptions over and over again.
Lastly is the ideas. Some of your ideas were rather cliche-ish, such as the moon scene, how the idea of "promise" is portrayed and the plot idea of one character leaving. There's really nothing wrong with using cliches...it's just that it is another reason as to why I fought this was rather a bit boring to read.
I think that should be enough for now. As a draft, I can understand as to why it is so roughly written, and I hope that this should help for now.
Andy.
Points: 5577
Reviews: 672
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